i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
