apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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