she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
