halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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