so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
