'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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