I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
