his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
