Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's never too late to be topless.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
