we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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