I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
love makes seman taste better
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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