I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
