you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
