New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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