I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
