I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
