I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
