True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
you had me at cake vodka
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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