Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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