I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
