Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
