New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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