My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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