Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
