Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
