if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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