You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
