How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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