he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
