WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize