people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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