Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
