So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
