what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
