I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
