I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Pants are for mortals
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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