letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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