I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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