The maid of honor just puked.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize