Don't EVER smell your tampon
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
