what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
