News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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