Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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