life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
