The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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