You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the condom got lost in my hair
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
