My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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