I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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