Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
