my sisters under your porch take her home
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
