She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
