I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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