I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
