Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the condom got lost in my hair
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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