you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
barbara walters just said penis...
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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