I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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