What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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