Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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